


he says that watching you destroy yourself hurts, but he won’t look away when you tell him not to watch

by transzoemurphy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Bulimia, Disordered Eating, EDNOS, Eating Disorders, Evan is Jared’s common sense, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attack, Pet Names, Self Harm, Self-Loathing, They are so in love, and so sad, but i mean, calorie counting, chewing and spitting, chsp, gross ed stuff, i cried writing this! cool!, i genuinely like rice cakes ok, i like 2 take out my self destructive impulses on characters, idk - Freeform, maybe i should just die haha, now im just destroying myself publicly, probably better than on myself, suicide ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 01:34:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17889062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transzoemurphy/pseuds/transzoemurphy
Summary: jared’s dealing with an eating disorder & self harm, & evan’s there to comfort him.





	he says that watching you destroy yourself hurts, but he won’t look away when you tell him not to watch

**Author's Note:**

> lol hey y'all it's ya boi,,, projection legend...,,, why do i start every fanfic like this.   
> tw for eating disorder Stuff tm and self harm *whips*  
> no but jokes aside.,.,. jareds not in a good place in this fic. theres a lot of talk abt sh and eds & if u have an aversion to either of those things pleasepleaseplease don’t hurt yourself reading this.   
> also: no one deserves to disappear

Jared had lots of folders for notes on his phone, because between ADHD, never using the calendar app, drafting texts before he sent them, fanfic, and whatever else he did with his time when he was messing around on his phone — he was on it a lot. He had 969 notes and he kind of didn't want that to change. 

He clicked absently on the folder titled "math ;)" which was a bunch of calorie logs from whenever his eating disorder started acting up. Last time it'd acted up, it had only lasted for a few weeks, and he hadn't even logged calories, instead choosing to eat as little as possible and judge his self-worth on his weight.   
So he was out of practice when it came to counting. But not too out of practice; he still remembered the calorie counts of everything he had ever consumed. That wasn't the problem. It was just, like, the morals of the thing. The guilt.   
Jared got off of his bed — Evan's bed, he reminded himself, he was only staying because his parents were assholes — and began to pace as he logged down what he'd eaten, plus their calorie and sugar content, all from memory.   
He began calculating the total for the day and was so sucked into the song blaring through his headphones — idontwannabeyouanymore by Billie Eilish – and the numbers he was copying down that he didn't notice Evan come in until the other boy sat down on the bed.   
“Hi,” Evan said.   
"Hey," Jared responded guiltily.   
"How was your, uh," Evan waved his hands around, "biology test?"  
"Aced it," Jared beamed. "How was your Hamlet essay?"  
"I'm honestly so proud of it," Evan grinned back. He swung open the door of the mini-fridge in the freezer. "Soda?"  
"Diet Coke?"  
"...Sure. I've known you since second grade and you still don't give off a very 'Diet Coke'-y vibe to me."  
"That's just how the pussy crumbles," Jared said absently, doing math in his head.  
"Before you speak, think: is it true? Is it honest? Is it inspirational? Is it necessary? Is it kind?"  
"'My life is about three things. Gettin’ money, gettin’ pussy, and the Dewey decimal system,'" Jared quoted Bo Burnham in lieu if a response.   
"...I worry about you sometimes."  
"Bitch me too, the fu–" a thought occurred to him. "hey, Ev, how many calories — like if you were to eat someone out, how many calories would you be consuming?"  
“Hey Jared, what the fuck?”  
“I need to know. It's for science.”  
“Why would I know?”  
“I don’t know!”  
Evan sighed deeply. “you’re a mess.” He handed Jared the Diet Coke and sat down next to him. “What’ve you been doing?”  
“Suffering, mostly,” Jared said. idontwannabeyouanymore ended and came back on again; he had the song on repeat.  
“But like, for real.”  
“Looking at memes. depressing memes, because of course.”  
“Oof,” Evan said. “Do you need, like. A hug? Or popcorn, or something?”  
“I mostly need to play Minecraft. But a hug would be nice.”  
Evan obliged, resting his chin on top of Jared’s head. “No popcorn?”  
“Nah.”  
“Gummy worms?”  
“Nope.”  
“…What do you want?”  
“Rice cakes.”  
Evan pulled back, taking in Jared’s paler-than-normal complexion, dark eyebags, and bruised lip. “Are you okay?”  
“Fine and dandy,” Jared said.   
“No mentally healthy person asks for rice cakes,” Evan said.   
“They taste good.”  
“And they’re, like, fifty calories at max. Jared.”  
Jared picked at the hole in his jeans. “I wanna play Minecraft.”  
“I'm not going to be mad at you if you’re not okay,” Evan said. “It’s okay to be upset. It's okay if you’re spiraling. It doesn’t make you a worse person or mean you’re looking for attention.”  
Jared buried his head in Evan’s shoulder, biting back tears. “I don’t want to—” his voice broke and he took a ragged breath. “I don’t want you to be upset with me.”  
“I'm not, love, I promise.”  
Jared sucked in another breath. “I'm sorry, I just—”  
“You don’t have to be sorry,” Evan whispered. He ran his fingers through Jared’s curls, the repetitive motion soothing both of them.  
“I'm just not in control of anything anymore,” Jared breathed, the words clawing up his throat. “I don’t — I'm doing well in school but I don’t understand the material, I just memorized it, and I'm living in your house because my dad hates me, and I manage to fuck up every good thing in my life, and I'm so tired.”  
“I'm sorry, Jare,” Evan said, pulling him closer.   
Jared sniffed and leaned even farther into Evan’s touch like a really big humanoid cat. “Everything would be better if I was dead,” he mumbled.  
“You matter,” Evan responded. “You matter so much to me, and to everyone who knows you. You make the world less dark.”  
“You don’t have to lie to me,” Jared said, his throat raw.  
“I promise I'm not,” Evan took Jared’s hand and pressed down his fingers until only his pinky finger was up, linking his own pinky. “Pinky promise.”  
Jared chuckled and sniffed again. “I love you.”  
“I love you too,” Evan responded, kissing his forehead.   
After Jared had calmed down a bit, Evan asked softly, “What's been going on, love?”  
“Like, which dumb coping mechanism have I been using this week?”  
“…I wouldn’t’ve phrased it that way, but yeah.”  
“Just the general gross ED stuff,” Evan stayed quiet, and Jared huffed. “I haven’t been eating except when I have to. And I’ve been chewing and spitting a ton of candy, because I hate myself, but I haven’t made myself throw up yet this time,” he paused. “And sharp objects are getting a workout these days.”  
“Jare, baby,” Evan breathed, brushing Jared’s hair back from his eyes.   
“Please don’t yell,” Jared whispered, burying his head in Evan’s shoulder. “My dad always yells.”  
“I'm not going to yell, Jare, I promise.”  
“S-sorry.”  
“You don’t have to be sorry, Jare.” Evan paused for a second. “Has anyone told you the dangers of chewing and spitting?”  
“There shouldn’t be any; I'm not shoving my fingers down my throat or anything,” Jared pointed out, confused.  
“It's actually more dangerous than you’d think,” Evan said. “Um, basically, you know how when you smell or see really good food, your saliva production increases?”  
“Yeah…?”  
“That's not all your body does to prepare for food. It also begins making more stomach acids. When you don’t give your body food, the stomach acids have nowhere to go, except for to burn through your stomach and cause blood to pool in places where blood should not pool.”  
“Well, that’s horrifying,” Jared said faux-cheerily. “But I ate a cracker first so… that should mean the acid had something to gnaw on, right?”  
“I… don’t think that’s how it works, but I don’t know the science behind this well enough, so.”  
“I know it’s not healthy, but just… I want to be able to feel like I'm good at something for once? I want to be in control of something. I want to look in the mirror and not hate myself for once. I just… I feel so worthless all the fucking time and I'm so tired.”  
Evan kissed him lightly, using his thumb to brush away stray tears on Jared’s face and then his own. “I love you so much, Jare. you’re strong, and brave, and beautiful. And someday, all of the things you’ve gone through will find a place in your story.”  
This statement had the effect of causing Jared to burst into tears again, but Evan let him cry, just running his fingers through Jared’s hair and waiting.  
“How do I help?” Evan asked.  
Jared sniffed. “I… I don’t know. I know I'm hurting myself — like, with the food, I mean — but I don’t… want to stop? So. I don’t know.”  
“Can I help you with the cutting? Because I don’t — I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”  
Jared laughed dimly. “Don’t really wanna stop that one either.”  
“I won’t take away your tools and stuff,” Evan said, “because I know it’s an addiction and taking it away would only make the problem worse. But I'm gonna be here for you, always.”  
“Thank you,” Jared breathed. He brushed his hair out of his eyes again (maybe he should get a haircut or something) and shrugged off the sweater he’d been wearing. “It’s too hot,” he offered quietly as an explanation.  
“Oh, love,” Evan whispered when he saw Jared’s arms.  
To be fair, his arms looked pretty fucking horrible. New cuts covered his old scars, and some of the more faded new scars shakily formed the word ‘worthless.’  
Evan kissed Jared’s forehead, which the shorter boy knew was just so he wouldn’t see Evan begin to cry. Whenever Evan cried, Jared cried too, but if Evan was already crying and Jared didn’t see the start of it, he could usually keep his tear ducts in check.   
This was not one of those times. Knowing he’d made Evan sad made him ten times more sad, and the two were absolute messes now.  
“Jared?” Evan asked, his name choked.   
“Yeah?”  
“Have you ever thought about…” Evan paused, interlocking their hands, and for a moment Jared was worried, but Evan continued, “…going to, um, to inpatient?”  
“But they’ll make me eat,” Jared said, his voice coming out more panicky than he wanted it to. “I don’t want to — I want to have control over something, Ev, please, I need this, I can’t—”  
“Shh. Jare, honey, you’re safe. I won’t make you go. It’s okay.”  
“Sorry,” Jared whispered.  
“It’s okay. And I’ll remind you of that as much as you need. And if you ever decide that’s what you want to do, that’s 100% your choice, and I’m here for you no matter what.”  
“God, I love you so much,” Jared breathed.   
“I love you too,” Evan responded. “Can you promise me just one more thing?”  
Jared eyed him suspiciously. “Depends on what it is…?”  
Evan held out his pinky. “No more chewing and spitting? I don’t want you to burn a hole in your stomach.”  
Jared considered it for a second. He could always just cut back on meals to finish the candy he had left, then run it off, maybe, if he was feeling wild… “Okay,” he said.  
He held out his pinky and the two promised it.  
“And I know I’ve said this,” Evan said. “But I want you to know. You can come to me literally anytime and I’ll help you. Even if it’s the middle of the night. You mean so much more to me than you could ever know.”  
“The diamonds I’ve mined in Minecraft don’t even come close to approaching your value,” Jared responded.  
“You’re a dork,” Evan smiled, albeit sadly, resting his head on Jared’s. “But you’re my dork.”

**Author's Note:**

> *beginning of the fic* jared’s not in a good place *end of the fic* im kin wiht jared. the author isnt in a good place either. we r all Suffering here. my tumblr's @trans-zoe-murphy if u wanna yell to me abt kleinsen or embark on an appreciated but ultimately futile quest to get me to fix my eating habits. ily'all !!


End file.
